How to Flirt, Part 4: Lead the Conversation toward Emotional Connection.

In an earlier post, I talked about the importance of not “interviewing” a girl by asking too many consecutive questions.  It’s your job to lead the conversation in a direction that emotionally connects the two of you. There’s a simple technique for better connecting with her emotionally:  respond to the emotional content of what she says, rather than the factual content.

For example, if she says:

  • “I went skydiving once.”
  • Fact-based Response:  “Cool. My cousin is a professional skydiver.”
  • Emotion-based Response: “That’s awesome. I like when people are adventurous enough to step outside their everyday comfort zone.  I try to do that once every day in some small way.  How did you feel right after you jumped?”

By telling you she went skydiving, she’s communicating both factual content (she went skydiving) and emotional content (she’s fun, adventurous and not boring).  If you respond with a fact about your cousin (especially one that “one-ups” her story), she doesn’t feel like you two are connecting.  If you acknowledge what she’s trying to tell you emotionally and lead the conversation toward that, the two of you will build a much deeper connection.

Guys often get this wrong. When we speak to each other, one-upmanship is natural. It connects guys to each other and establishes power relationships. When guys do it to girls, it feels cold and disconnected.

Take a look at the following statements a woman on AnastasiaDate might write to you.  What’s the fact-based response you could give?  What’s the better, emotion-based response you could give?

  • “I traveled all by myself once to Spain for two weeks.”
  • “The last book I read was a novel about a woman who is torn between two men.”
  • “My mother always tells me that I’m too impatient, and if I’m more patient I will get more of what I want.”

Practice this technique and you’ll find that your conversations with women leave both of you feeling more connected.