A Woman’s Mindset on a First Date

Womans face and abstract technology.

Recently I wrote about asking women out and about the importance of advance planning for a date.  Before I give you my tips on how to execute flawless dates, it’s important you understand a woman’s mindset on a date.

Here are the most important things to understand:

  • Women are generally looking for you to play host on the date.  Don’t ask her where she wants to go. Don’t let her pick the place. Play host. Design an experience for that evening, and politely guide her through it.  There will be a time, later in your dating relationship, for her to take you on dates and show you what her world looks like.  This isn’t it.
  • Don’t ask her to make any decisions (aside from food and drink orders).  Women have one decision they want to make on a first date:  what they think of you.  Don’t distract her with minor decisions like asking her where in the bar she’d like to sit.  Just decide.  She’ll let you know if there’s something that doesn’t work for her.
  • Her biggest concern is that things will be awkward.  She may or may not be nervous, but she’s definitely concerned that things will be awkward.  It’s awkward if you’re different than your online profile, if the conversation is boring, or if you’re in love with her and she’s not interested.
  • Physical intimacy is an art.  Most women have had experiences where guys have been too physically aggressive on a date.  That can be both scary and disappointing.  But most women have also had experiences where guys don’t make a move at all – leaving them feeling disappointed, unattractive or just confused.
  • She often doesn’t know how long the date is going to last.  She usually plans for multiple scenarios.  If she isn’t attracted to you, she’s going to eject after the first event.  If she is attracted to you, she’ll follow you to a second venue.  In some cases, she may even plan for the possibility of spending a night with you – though this is not a normal assumption for a first date. Before she left home, she probably thought about (and planned for) a couple different outcomes.  If she has roommates, they probably know she may or may not be home early.
  • Her friends are checking in on her.  There are different flavors of this, from “How’s the date going??  Is he hot like his photos?” to the more concerned version of “Is everything okay? I haven’t heard from you.”  You’re not just dating her that night – you’re dating her friends.  She’s likely to text them from the restroom and tell them how the date is going so far.
  • She wants you to kiss her.  Take it from a female:  my friend Nicky once told me, “I wouldn’t go on a date with someone I didn’t want to kiss if things go well.”  Keep this in mind – though the last four words are rather important. Just remember: if the date is going well, you’re letting her down if you don’t kiss her.
  • She’s looking for clues that you’re a gentleman.  She’s looking to see if you hold doors, carry the drinks, speak to the restaurant hostess, and make sure that she gets home safe.  This is something she’ll comment about to her friends.
  • She’s looking for clues that you’re confident and relaxed.  Confident and arrogant is no good – but confident and relaxed shows that you know you belong with someone of her caliber.
  • One thing matters more than the rest.  She wants to have fun.  That’s the single most important thing.  More important than anything you learn about each other. More important than anything you say, do, or feel.  If she has fun with you, it’s the best predictor of a next date.  Anytime you feel things moving too much toward serious questions or conversation, gently steer it back to fun.

Once you understand this mindset from her experience, you’re ready to handle yourself well on the date.  In my next post, I’m bringing you my best tips for how to have a great date.